“Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.” – Proverbs 13.24

“A person who has been punished is not thereby simply less inclined to behave in a given way; at best, he learns how to avoid punishment.” – B.F. Skinner, Beyond Freedom and Dignity, 1972

How should we stop a child from misbehaving?

The first thought to come to mind is “punishment”. We can’t avoid thinking “punish”. It is our primal, intuitive reaction.

We also know the phrase “teach them a lesson” actually means to inflict harm. We believe that inflicting harm on someone less powerful than us will cause them to learn something. We expect the targeted individual to regret their behavior and vow to never do it again so that they may avoid further punishments.

No one actually articulates the assumptions this way, but doing so reveals how tenuous they are. Yet we climb out further on this shaky limb!

Especially in religious conservative circles, people assume that punishment contributes to children’s moral development. The logic is that children incorporate their parents’ values and rules into their own budding moral system as they suffer punishments. To “spare the rod” will surely lead to an antisocial child, right?

The Science of Punishment

Does punishment actually achieve these practical and moral goals? Do children whose parents deliver frequent or violent punishments develop an advanced sense of ethics? These are scientific questions, and they have been thoroughly answered.

The results are counterintuitive, but unambiguous. Despite academic arguments around the periphery, empirical research has produced a robust series of core conclusions:

1) Punishment is an Ineffective Teaching Tool.

Experiments by B.F. Skinner and other psychologists confirmed that punishment is an ineffective way to teach animals or people to avoid otherwise rewarding behaviors in the long term. In the short term, of course, punishment effectively suppresses undesirable behaviors. However the association between the undesirable behavior and its reward does not disappear. The behavior resumes at full strength when the punishment is not immediately present. For example, rats trained to press a lever for treats will stop pressing the lever when punished for doing so, but will then eventually and reliably resume the behavior after the punishment is removed. Reinforcements, on the other hand, are very effective at increasing the likelihood of behaviors. Scientists have concluded that punishments only teach the target to avoid the punishment while it is present.

2) Prison Recidivism: They Never Learn.

Data from the U.S. Bureau of Justice Statistics reports that “about two-thirds (67.8%) of released prisoners were arrested for a new crime within 3 years, and three-quarters (76.6%) were arrested within 5 years.” Of those who were arrested within 5 years, 36.8% were arrested within six months of release.

To call a prison bureaucracy a “Department of Corrections” is a misnomer. Prisoners clearly do not “learn a lesson” from this severe punishment.

3) Children Who Are Spanked Behave Worse Afterward.

A very large amount of research links physical punishments with antisocial behavior and mental health problems. For example, young adolescents who received physical punishment are more likely to advocate the use of violence to resolve conflicts. There is no shortage of scientific research linking physical punishments with anxiety, depression, substance abuse, aggression, dating violence, reduced cognitive ability, reduced executive functioning, and worse parent-child relationships. The science on this issue is very clear. Contrary to the Bible, sparing a child from the experience of being hit by an adult will help them thrive.

Modern Approaches

A century of scientific research on learning, punishment, and reinforcement is slowly transforming Western approaches to parenting, education, and even animal training. Parents and educators are now encouraged to use a wide range of non-harmful but effective techniques to address misbehavior and teach important skills. For example:

1) Time Out: Teaches self-calming, and encourages the child to develop insight by contemplating her actions.

2) Selective Ignoring: Extinguishes attention-seeking behavior by removing the reward.

3) Teach New Skills: The child learns the important life skills of problem solving, emotional self-management, and compromise.

4) Logical Consequences: Logical consequences demand accountability because something negative happens that is logically related to misbehavior. For example, deductions from the child’s allowance to pay for something he broke or damaged.

5) Natural Consequences: Rather than forcing compliance with parental commands, natural consequences allow the child to leave the house without a coat on a cold day, and then to feel uncomfortably cold because they refused to dress appropriately.

6) Reward Systems: Operant conditioning reinforces good behavior or delayed gratification. Good things come to she who waits.

7) Praise: “Catch the child being good” and lavish him with positive attention to reinforce positive behaviors.

8) Redirection: Distract misbehaving children toward a new activity, or gently remind them what they are supposed to be doing.

9) Offer a Do-Over: Explain the misbehavior and offer a second chance to behave the right way.

The Alternative: An Authoritarian Morality

What else do children learn when an authority figure punishes and coerces them? They learn that when they obtain the power to coerce others, they can get their way just as the grown-ups did. Older siblings and bullies often threaten and punish their weaker victims. This observation has terrifying implications related to issues of domestic violence, discrimination, and sexual harassment.

So what does it mean to do the right thing?

Is the “right thing” whatever the person with the most punitive power wants? A punished child who cannot explain why it was wrong or harmful to do what they did has certainly not learned how to apply moral reasoning. They have learned what mommy or daddy wants is “right” and what they don’t want is “wrong”. To avoid punishment they must guess or memorize these things.

At church they learn the universe works this way too; whatever God wants is right because God has the power to punish. Also, we need religious authorities to help us guess or memorize these things.

Spanking is most common and popular among very religious people. The evangelical lobbying group Focus on the Family endorses spanking, despite all scientific evidence. Maybe the teaching of moral reasoning instead of fear would undermine their whole edifice.

On the other hand, when we talk with children, allow them to respond and reason out for themselves why the behavior was harmful, they actually learn something.